Marriage Miniute - Keep Digging!

After living in our home for about six years, I finally concluded that there’s a spot or two in the yard that just won’t ever grow grass. I was never quite sure why this area was so barren until Sandy convinced me to turn it into a flower bed. I figured my best bet was to dig out about 6 inches of the existing dirt and replace it with richer potting soil. So I pulled out my sturdy shovel and started working. It only took a few minutes to get past the thin layer of topsoil to discover the problem with that area of the yard.

I hit clay. Not a few chunks of clay. This was pure gray, no-water-is-getting-through-this-solid-stuff clay. Nothing grows in clay, and there's no way the flower bed would drain through the clay; so I knew I had to dig it out. In about a half hour, I’d dug the half foot hole that I'd planned in the 7 foot by 3 foot flower bed. What do you think I found at the bottom of my hole? Clay.

I thought, "No problem. I’ll just dig a little deeper."  Another half hour transpired, and I was about a foot deep. What do you think I found at the bottom of my hole? More clay.

No problem. I’ll just dig a little deeper. Another half hour transpired; and in a couple of areas, I finally reached a depth of about 18 inches. Just between you and me, I nearly cried when I saw that I still hadn’t reached the bottom of the clay.

(Not an actual picture from my weekend, but close enough!)

I was hot. I was tired. My back, arms, and legs were beginning to hurt, but I still hadn’t dug out all of the clay. It was time for a tactical change. Instead of digging all the clay out, I took a wide PVC pipe and pounded it through the clay coring out what are now drainage holes all across the flower bed. There’s nothing easy about pounding PVC through clay a dozen times, but it was at least a different activity than digging. I eventually learned that the clay layer was about two feet deep. Hitting brown dirt at the bottom of all of that clay was only slightly less thrilling than the birth of my children. Even my fingers are sore as I type this.

So what does this possibly have to do with marriage? Think back to your engagement and even your wedding day. It’s like a new lawn. You gazed out over your relationship and imagined all the growth and joy it would bring you in the future. Certainly, marriage brings a lot of growth and joy; but after a while, you and your spouse eventually discovered a little clay in your garden. If it hasn't happened yet, keep looking.  There's some clay out there.  Clay may look like soil on the surface, but nothing will grow there. So you begin to dig the clay out of your marriage thinking it will be a relatively easy job. And after a significant amount of discussing with your spouse, praying, trying to break out of patterns, embracing change, being patient…hard relationship work; you’re still looking at clay. Every marriage is eventually visited by some fatigue and frustration. Trying to invent a way to grow despite the clay would be futile. The clay simply has to go. Look at the standard Ephesians 5:25-27 sets for our marriage:

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 5:26 to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, 5:27 so that he may present the church to himself as glorious – not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. [New English Translation @ http://www.net.bible.org/ - emphasis mine]

Both the church and our marriages are to be glorious; without stain, blemish, or wrinkle; blameless; and holy. That’s a ridiculously high standard. Based on that standard, even a little clay is too much clay. So what if you’re tired? So what if you’re frustrated? So what if you’ve been working at that clay for a long time? The clay simply has to go. Obviously, we’ll fall far short of perfection regardless of our best efforts, but we’re promised power through the Holy Spirit to live as we’re called to live. God has called us into marriages that are to be the image of His relationship with His church!

So here’s your homework: Some of us are a foot and a half deep in a hole full of clay. Both you and your spouse know it, and neither of you feel like you have much energy left to keep working at it. Schedule an un-distracted fifteen minutes to sit down and exchange some affirming words to one another. Tell your spouse, “I still love you, and I love you enough to promise that we will work through this issue no matter how long it takes or how hard it becomes. I promise to pray for the Holy Spirit to empower you, and I’m asking you to pray the same thing for me.” Others of us may have just come through a time of clay digging. You may still be a little achy from all that digging, but the clay is gone from your marriage. Schedule an un-distracted fifteen minutes to sit down and celebrate the removal of the barren clay that's no longer in your relationship and to thank God for giving you the power to get through that time.

No one goes to the alter thinking about a future of working through tough issues in marriage; but no one discovers the joy of a holy, blameless marriage without committing to work through those tough patches of lifeless clay. Remember, the promise was for better or WORSE.  Sure, it’s hard work; but the end result is a marriage that perfectly reflects God’s love for His people to a world in desperate need of that hopeful vision.  So keep digging!